Dear Katy, ( I use this because the only people in my life to call me this are the ones who love me best and I guess I’m allowed to use it too), the world seems scary. Your dreams seem so big and unusual and ridiculous. You’re tired of people asking could you not do something else? Something less? Anything other than what you want to do?
But stick to your guns. If you try to please others, guess what you’ll not please yourself. And while life isn’t one big long make yourself happy place, when it comes to knowing what to do with your future self maybe you have a place at the table? In fact the place at the head of the table belongs to you. Own it and sit there uncomfortable as it is most of the time.
I want to talk to you about your relationship with your body. It’s not great. You don’t appreciate that you are pretty perfect just as you are. You spend so much time thinking if only you were petite and tiny then maybe you’d be more lovable. Or if only you were six foot tall and had perfect straight hair and teeth and nose and all these things then maybe that guy would like you back.
I see you try to morph and change your body shape and all the things about you that you think make you less attractive to someone else. But there will come a day when you will look back at the photographs of 18 year-old you and think you are perfect just as you are. Not perfect in some aesthetic sense of the word but perfect for you in this life. Perfect as you are for your life.
You are going to get your heart broken. It’s inevitable. It will feel like you’ll never recover. You will be hurt you so much that you’ll feel like you’ll never get over it, that nothing will ever take this pain away. You will lie there in the dark and make deals with God to bring this person back to you. You will offer your soul if it will only change the outcome.
Just know they weren’t right for you, that someday the universe will send the right person. You might not recognise them at first. They might even start out as your friend and from there slowly, bit by bit, you’ll realise that this is your person.
Only then will you realise that unanswered prayers are the universe’s way of saving you from your own bad judgment. Because this time you will not have to hide the parts of yourself that you deem ugly. You can be fully whole and present and this person will simply love each part of you – even the bits you have deemed broken and unlovable – and you will do the same for them.
You’re 18 now. I’m several decades down the road but I’m going to ask you not to change too much. Don’t put away the parts of yourself you are passionate about because the world finds it too uncomfortable for you to embody them. Write your beautiful words. Keep writing them. To the news editor who says you’re not tough enough, ignore him. He doesn’t know your super power which is to listen as people tell you their stories, to care.
Don’t be afraid to say hello. The greatest friendships of your life will come when you show up and say ‘hi’. Be brave and approach the person you’d like to get to know. If they ask you for a coffee, don’t rush away. You never know how it will turn out.
It’s hard sometimes to listen to people who are older than you. You think they haven’t a clue, that they’re banging on about things they’ve no notion about. How would they know what it is to have dreams, to love? But you’ll realise as you get older if you slow down a little and are not in such a rush to get everywhere that older women have so much wisdom that you can tap into. Some day when they speak, you’ll listen. When they tell you to take it easier, you might just relax your shoulders and say ‘tell me, please because I’m tired’.
Don’t be so caught up with what people think. Most of the time they’re not thinking about you at all. If they are, what does it matter? There are very few people whose opinion matters at all. You can count them on one hand now so all those people you were so concerned about, let it go. Let their opinions of you be like sand slipping between your fingers.
Don’t think you have all the time in the world to do stuff and keep putting things off. You will lose friends who you thought “next year” I’ll go visit and her and we’ll have a proper catch up. Life is long for some and short for others. You don’t know who gets the short straw. Spend time with the people you love. Don’t put off a visit to a loved one. You will learn this the hard way when people you love leave this world unexpectedly early leaving you grappling with their loss and so sorry that you could’ve seen more of them. They say that the greatest regrets people have is the things they didn’t do, not the things they did and I think that’s true.
You’re not house proud. Be OK with that. Not everyone is going to have their house on Grand Designs. You want to write your dreams down, to leave these designs of the heart for other people. Not everyone likes the same things and that’s OK.
I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be good. It’s not. Your heart will be broken in so many ways that you don’t see coming. You will be blindsided by hurts that you can’t even imagine and I’m glad you don’t see them. But I can also tell you that you will be awed by beauty, floored by love, that you will dance in sunsets with people you haven’t met yet. You will hold the hands of friends, your children and loved ones and be perfectly happy in the doing nothingness of their company. You will find your tribe if you haven’t found it yet. Your people are waiting.
Life is too much sometimes and not enough at others. It will rip you to shreds and make you so happy you’ll feel your heart will burst for pure joy. Go with it all. Trust it. Trust that the things that hurt you most will one day be your greatest teachers and turn you into the wise woman you’ll become.
Above all else be kind. You don’t know what anyone else is going through. That girl you think of as golden, how do you know what she’s going through at home? That person you meet, their arrogance dripping off them like they have it all, how do you know that they are not putting on a show for the world?
Above all else, love. It’s what makes the world go around. Don’t shy away from it. Be it, embody it. And love yourself. Hold your own hand and be your own best friend. We come into this world alone and we will leave it alone. It’s a good idea to get to like this girl you are. She’s good company. You owe her your time. She’s pretty damn cool.